Conversations with a Two Year Old: Vegetables

Hayden: Mommy, I want to go to the store.

Me: Why?

Hayden: To buy some vegetables for dinner.

Me: Oh (!!!), what kind of vegetables?

Hayden: Cake...

The Reckoning

Today was supposed to be a cleaning/baking day with LOTS on the agenda. We're getting ready for my dad to come and stay with us for a week to help us fix up our house so we can sell it. Normally, we don't have an agenda beyond taking naps, eating lunch and wading through the daily poopy diapers, which have been cut in half (yay!). So today was a stretch for us.....Correction: for me. Last night I went to bed 3 minutes earlier than usual in anticipation of the big day ahead. After tossing for the next 2 hours (a direct result of an afternoon nap and a latte), I finally drifted off to sweet slumber. This lasted approximately 7 minutes, at which time Hayden found his way into our room and climbed into bed. The rest of the night was spent fending off toddler kicks and punches in my sleep. It's all pretty hazy but I remember my back taking quite a beating, and when Helmut finally woke me up in the morning all I could think to say was "I'm pretty sure I have bruises all over my back.....goodbye, have a nice day at work."

I managed to shuffle around and start getting things done in my sleep deprived stupor, although I'll admit my mood was not good. If I'm being honest I'm fairly certain I resembled Cruella Devil. Hayden has a way of sensing my moods and instead of helping me so I will be less irritated, he takes his time and tries to press each of my buttons individually so that the end result is usually close to an atomic explosion.

After lunch the kids and I had to go to the grocery story to buy some last minute food items and a chair. Random I know. When we first got married Helmut and I bought a table with 2 chairs for our dining room. We never thought that we might need more than that. Now we regret it. We've ALWAYS needed more than that. Case in point, we needed another chair for my dad to sit on while he's here so we can eat dinner together. So I took the kids and went to Walmart to get a folding chair.

Before we even entered the store I could tell it was going to be a battle with Hayden. He started by throwing a tantrum about having to sit in the basket (not the place with the safety belt that's where Mariah sits, we're talking the basket where the food items go). After threatening him with the loss of candy for LIFE he gave in and got in the basket, but proceeded to sit on his knees and hang over the end nearly giving me a heart attack. I insisted multiple times that he sit ON HIS REAR END IMMEDIATELY PENDING SUDDEN DOOM, but not even that worked. Then to be helpful he started randomly grabbing objects and adding them to the cart, and in turn removing objects that I added and throwing them out of the cart. At this point the steam was starting to issue forth from my ears and I was beginning to audibly seethe. I'm pretty sure I glared down several other shoppers for smiling in our general direction. How dare they...

Then we got to the place where they sell the folding chairs. I added a folding chair to the basket and wedged it into the side so that it couldn't be removed with anything less than the jaws of life, definitely NOT toddler fingers. That didn't appear to trouble Hayden. He sat next to it on his knees and began to bang on the metal seat and howl like a banshee....and that's how we exited the store. Somehow in my rage I was able to get through the automatic check out station where he halfway dismantled the scanner, with only a few mutterings of "are you kidding me?!"...and make it to the car where I nearly gauged out my own eyeballs in my rage.

Once we were all in the car I informed him of the massive spanking he would receive upon arriving home, and as I drove away I marvelled at the beauty of having to drive 10 minutes to get home before administering said spanking. I had 10 full minutes of relative quiet to take cleansing breaths and put my thoughts in order, dissipating the anger and leaving a semi-rational person in it's stead.

I did give him a spanking, because really what kind of mother would I be if I didn't do as promised, and there can be absolutely no question as to whether or not it was deserved. He took it well, cried a little, said he was sorry, and promised never to behave in such a fashion again (my words not his).

The remainder of the day went comparatively well. We completely most projects and are now awaiting my dad. I'm seriously hoping for some better sleep tonight though....seriously.

For the Birds

How to tell if you're mom's favorite:


I take no credit whatsoever for the above picture/post. I stumbled across it here when I was hunting for some inspiration for tonight. Beware, some of the posts should be rated midway between PG-13 and R.

It's not the inspiration hasn't been forthcoming, after all we did have our first accident in the middle of a target yesterday, but Hayden's subsequent humiliation made me feel so guilty for wanting to make it into a funny story that I've decided not to officially post about it. As for details I'll just say that he ran into a metal shelf with his face, started screaming in pain, then let loose the floodgates onto a carpeted section of the local target to the horror of myself and another mother who witnessed the little catastrophe. Of all the people that were involved, I think Hayden was the most horrified. He hasn't had any accidents since then and now I can say that I'm no longer the mother who's son hasn't peed in an inappropriate place.

When I was 2.5 I received a piece of advise from my then 5 year old sister Kristi that I've never forgotten, perhaps the most important piece of advice I've ever been given. I grew up in the 80's when double socks and pegged acid wash jeans were cool. My oldest sister was very trendy and thus the donning of double socks was a daily occurrence. Kristi and I used to tease her and make fun of her double socks, because really, how many socks does a person need? When Kristi turned 5 she started going to school and I used to watch her getting ready. One morning I noticed her donning the double socks. She must have seen my shocked faced because I have never forgotten the words that she spoke to me. She said, "Kari, never make fun of someone for what they are doing because someday you might find yourself doing exactly the same thing."

That has never been more true than in my life as a mother. So far I've done and behaved in ways I never thought possible for me. My kids have done things I never expected them to do, and as far as self pride, I'm pretty certain mine is non-existent. I do however have pride in other areas. Mostly my children's accomplishments. While they may not be newsworthy, I mean, EVERYbody's kids get potty trained eventually, they still make my heart burst with pride.

That said I should admit that at a birthday party last year I witnessed a very small girl pooping on the floor of a child's activity center. My first reaction was to be supremely grossed out. My second reaction was to remove Hayden, and my last reaction was the BLAME THE PARENTS. What kind of parents bring they're OBVIOUSLY only partially potty trained child to an activity center without putting a pull-up on her? Gross. I don't think what Hayden did was quite as embarrassing as what that little girl did, but I guess I knew I had it coming since then. *guffaw*

Potty Diaries: Day 3

There shouldn't even be a post here because today Hayden made it the WHOLE DAY without an accident. I was so ready for this experience to be a repeat of last time, which was a nightmare. I even let Hayden pick out a 2 lb bag of potty candy thinking it would take FOREVER. There's $12.99 I'll never get back....uhhh yeah, I let him choose his own ginormous bag of candy and instead of going for the $3.99 bag of M&M's he chose the WAY OVERPRICED Jelly belly's. Note to self: NEVER BUY JELLY BELLY'S. Seriously people, they're JELLY BEANS. Come on, how can it cost $12.99 to manufacture little chewy balls of sugar?? I thought they would be at most $6 bucks. Lessons learned.

Potty Diaries: Day 2

Today was day 2 of our potty training ventures. It kicked off with a nice puddle on the floor, but quickly took an upward turn when Hayden suddenly started to tell me that he "had to go potty really bad." The first time he went by himself I cried....like a baby. The second time he did it I was so excited I gave him two chocolate chip cookies and a handful of "potty candy." I'm pretty sure of the two of us I'm the one who is the most excited about this. The future is looking pretty bright my friends, pretty bright indeed. Who knew potty train could have such a profound affect on the parents.

Riding the Potty Train

I don't have anything witty to write tonight, just that we're embarking on the potty training experience again with Hayden. We made an attempt about 9 months ago that failed miserably, and in an effort not to repeat the failure we've left off trying until now. There are many reasons why our first attempt failed, I can blame it on any number of things, post postpartum depression, a colicky infant, or the fact that we gave up after 3 days. Maybe in reality he wasn't ready, or maybe it was me...maybe I wasn't ready. That's probably more accurate. But we're putting that all behind us and moving forward with it now. My goal is to have it mostly accomplished in the next two weeks. Wish me luck!....or endurance.

Conversations with a Two Year Old

Hayden climbed onto my lap patted my tummy and said,
"you have a baby mommy?"
I think it's time for someone to have a time-out.

Potty Talk

As Hayden approached the 2 year mark and beyond I decided that it was getting a little too embarrassing to have him still hiding his face in the seat of my pants and grabbing my boobs at random times, especially in public, so I started telling him quietly that those things are private and we don't touch them. He's been pretty good about it. Once in a while he forgets and I have to remind him not to do it. I was never quite sure how much of the "private" talks actually sunk in until today.

We haven't quite gotten to potty training again since our first failed attempt nearly 7 months ago. I've been dreading it, but also looking forward to it as I CAN'T STAND changing poopy diapers. They are the bane of my existence. I assumed that when I became a mom I would love my child so much that even his poop would smell like roses, but sadly it's not so. I gag multiple times while changing them and curse the guy who invented diapers. Somebody has got to invent a better way to deal with pooh. SERIOUSLY... I digress.

This afternoon I noticed Hayden getting the funny look on his face and making for a corner. I politely waited until he was done before I asked him if he had a dirty diaper. Here's how the conversation went:

Me: "Hayden did you go poopy?"
Hayden: "NO" (he always denies it)
Me: "Come here and let me check your diaper."
Hayden: "NO, you can't look at it, that's private!"

Chocolate Gelato

I should have known this was coming when I got him his very own
chocolate gelato. This was followed by a quick transformation into a
Tasmanian devil that I chased willy nilly around Whole Foods
Market. Upon our arrival home I was treated to the biggest tantrum I've endured from him in at least 6 months. I blame it on a combination of too much sugar and teething (and most certainly NOT bad parenting).

We're still trying to make it through the arrival of some new molars. They appear to be causing him quite a bit of pain. Yesterday he woke up from his nap screaming and crying that his teeth were hurting so I broke down and gave him Tylenol.

In completely unrelated news, I'm back on my starvation diet trying hard to shed the last 15 of the 45 pounds I gained during my pregnancy with Mariah. This means I eat breakfast and lunch and a snack and then around 3pm I stop eating and don't eat until breakfast the following morning. It's a tough diet to stick too, but easier for me than counting calories or following certain food groupings. It also helped me shed the 45 pounds I gained with Hayden and in High School a fabulous 15 pounds that I had hanging on me for apparently no reason.....except maybe my obsession with chocolate.

2 Year Molars

This morning Hayden was complaining to me
about his mouth hurting, so I took a peak and noticed some new molars
coming in. I guess that explains the puddles of drool and over all
grouchiness...not to mention a string of ear infections. I guess I can stop researching my brains out trying to figure out what is causing his ear infections, it seems he's been working on these teeth for quite some time. To think, I was SURE he had ALL his teeth already.

Nursing his incoming molars.

My Future Tell All

One day I would like to write a tell-all book for new mothers. Some of the chapters would include:

Labor and the week after - what your mom won't tell you.
Breastfeeding - how nature really intended it to feel.
The Tantrum months - how to survive.
and Introducing #2 (by this i mean the second child.....not poop) - the types of mayhem you should expect.

And that's as far as I've gotten, because let's face it Hayden is only 2.5 and that's all the hands on experience I've had so far.

The first 17 months of Hayden's life were mothering bliss for me. I enjoyed every minute of it. He was arguably the worlds easiest baby. I was enraptured by his every smile, it was so good it was almost magical, like floating on a cloud or dancing in a flowery meadow. I felt on top of the world, like I must have some mad mothering skillz to have such a good baby. I loftily looked down on the mother of the screaming child in the grocery store and wished to myself that she would control her young so it wouldn't wake my sleeping angel.

Then Hayden turned 18 months old, started throwing hourly tantrums and having routine scream fests, hitting other kids and kicking them and doing that really annoying head butting trick that kids learn (you know, when you're holding them and they slam their head into your face and give you a bloody nose). My lofty dreams of being the perfect mother and avoiding all the parenting pitfalls plummeted. So much for my perfect angel. What the heck happened?

By this time in the story I was already pregnant with Mariah. At 15 months Hayden was such an angel that we decided he needed a little angel friend and companion to complete our angelic family. I was horrified. If this is how bad my son is now, what are we going to do when he actually turns 2? Maybe it's just a phase? Maybe we should spank him more? Time-outs? What the heck? After a few embarrassing incidences at the store and with friends we became somewhat reclusive. Too humiliated with our child's horrible behavior and not wanting to loose friends that we were just making we decided it would be best to keep him at home for a while and not expose other kids to his fury. Days turned into weeks and weeks turned into months. We were lonely and desperate. Do other people have devil children like this? or is there something wrong with our kid? There is a good ending to this story so keep reading.

By this time I was full-term and gave birth to our precious girl. Now we had a little monster, and a new baby angel (or so we thought). Hayden, sensing the coming arrival, stopped sleeping and started waking up screaming several times nightly. By the time Mariah came along we were so sleep deprived that we didn't know how we were going to make it. We brought her home in all her wailing goodness and started trying to establish a routine. After a few almost calm days Mariah decided to fit with the theme of mayhem and be a colicky infant. She spent the next two months screaming incessantly.

I spent my days and nights in super-survival-mode. Must keep baby fed and changed. Must make sure Hayden doesn't hit her or pull her hair too many times. Must try to keep children ALIVE. Must not become so depressed that I miss out on the cute baby stuff. Yeah right, like that was going to happen. I spent many days swimming through a sea of depression, struggling to keep my head above water. How did we go from "angel child" to this is such a short time? Keep reading.

A few moths and much screaming and crying later I was researching my brains out trying to come up with solutions and I came across an article about pin worms. EWWWW GROSS. As if my child could have something that nasty! So for a few months I let it go. I mentioned to Hayden's Dr. that I thought he could have them, but she thought it unlikely and let it go at that. Then I found out that the cure is just an over-the-counter medicine and it's super safe. So I decided to try it out and OH MY GOSH it must be magic in a bottle! Hayden was about 26 months when I gave it to him and that day he threw his very last scream fest/tantrum. He also stopped waking up at night screaming. He started talking to other kids instead of hitting them first. He started laughing again and being normal. He turned into the little boy that I remembered from so long ago.

I don't want to blame everything on the worms. I know that much of his behavior was part of growing up. Going through the terrible 2's (which we're not through just yet) and the difficulty of getting used to a new sibling. Trimming the apron strings, but by no means cutting them. But it sure did help. Those months were so intense for us that dealing with the actual "terrible two's" doesn't seem that bad anymore. I still loose my patience too often, and overreact when he's naughty. I still sweat a river down my back when he screams over toys he can't have at the grocery store, but in the end it seems so much more bearable and normal. Like that's how it's supposed to be.

At this time I also figured out how to help Mariah with her colic. ENZYMES. If you're breastfeeding you can take them and again, it's magic in a bottle ( just be sure to consult a professional as to which are the best for a breastfeeding mom, some have herbs that you want to avoid). I started taking them for me, and two days later I had a calm sweet infant. I was able to stop pacing the living room with her for hours on end and actually sit down for a few minutes together. My sanity took a turn for the better. I started to feel like life could be fun again at some point and less like I was living in a self-made hell.

Mariah is now 9 months old and I'm back on top of the world, but with more humility. I no longer think of myself as a great parent, but instead a work in progress. I no longer look down on the mom of the screaming kid in the store.....because most often it is me. I find Hayden's behavior amusing and enjoy watching him interact with other kids.

To put it plainly: I love every minute of being a mom.

Gone crazy

This afternoon I told Hayden that I had better "feed his sister before she goes crazy." He spent the next 20 minutes begging for me to take him to crazy. "I want to go to crazy too mommy, puhleeeeeease!".......sure hunny, I'm halfway there.

Cupcakes and Crayons

We stopped for cupcakes today at our favorite cupcake place. Hayden proudly chose a chocolate cupcake with pink icing and sat in
his car seat devouring it. I looked back at him when he was 3/4 of the
way through and noticed he was just sitting there staring blankly
ahead so asked him if he had a tummy ache to which he responded "yes."
He gave me the rest of his cupcake and then proceeded to root around
in his car seat until he came across a lime green crayon. He then
gleefully asked me for some paper, which I gave him, and began to
color. Not more than 2 minute later I checked back on him to see how
it was going only to find him devouring the crayon. Since when did a
crayon taste better than a cupcake?

Sleep

I woke up in the middle of the night and silently rejoiced to myself
that Hayden wasn't there sleeping with us for the first time in 6
months! Then just for kicks I reached my hand over...and right onto
his face. Blarg. Does anyone's toddler sleep in their own bed? He
started out as a 'Babywise' baby and from the time he was 7 weeks old
until he learned how to climb out of his crib at around 20 months he
didn't wake up at night even once, but somewhere around 20 months
things started falling apart. Now he comes in every single night
around 2 am and sleeps with us. Don't get me wrong I don't mind a little
extra snuggle, it's the kicking in the face that gets to me.